What can I do when my spouse/boyfriend looks at Pornography?

Did you find some porn in the web history or on the computer? Did you find porn magazines or DVDs in the house? Or maybe you just found out because they admitted their struggle to you. How will this make you feel and what can you do about it?

One thing is to pray. Prayer has the most amazing and intense healing power for any sinfulness.  

If you catch them in a hole with proof of what they've been doing (by finding such things), tell them in a gentle way that you found things lingering around.  Hopefully their addiction is only as far to the point where they are not trying to act it out or cheat on you physically with a person. At the same time, if you are married, they committed adultery in their heart, which is a hard hit to take.

One thing that Lynsie (co-founder) always brings up to me when we discuss pornography with one another is that when one watches or looks at pornography, you are sinning in watching others also sin. It is a double sin. On top of that, something that I like to make a point of is that the high majority of people who are in pornography are being abused (yes, Pornstars too), forced into it against their will or threatened to be involved (at least the hard-core type, maybe not so much with the soft-core, but that also is a factor for many). 

"Do not love the world or anything in the world.  If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.  For everything in the world-the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does-comes not form the Father but from the world." -1 John 2:15-17

If you have a boyfriend with a porn addiction: Don't dump him immediately. Try to see if he is willing to work on it. Have him gain an accountability partner with someone who can help them (I suggest a Christian who is filled with the Holy Spirit to the extent of having absolutely not interest or issues with lust, preferably an adult-if they are a teenager).  If he still hides his sin and if he isn't willing to do anything but make excuses for what he does, so that you see no heart in his care for you, then maybe breaking away from that person is a good idea, just for the fact that it will only get harder for you.  Marriage will not fix their pornography and lust problems no matter how much they or you believe it will. Only their ability to see their fault and be willing to change and to hate it so much that they will work on it, is going to truly help. The Holy Spirit is probably truly the only way that they will be moved enough to stop. Porn addiction is compared to heroin addiction, where it is just very very hard to cut out, let alone deal with the withdrawal. If anything they need support and love to get through their issues, because leaving them automatically will cause them to put their angers and frustrations out through pornography. It will cause them to just dig deeper into their sin and repeat the whole mess when they get into a new relationship. Do not give yourself to them sexually, thinking that will help your relationship and cure them from looking at porn, this instead will just make a new struggle for you both by choosing to be impure before marriage. Also never look at pornography with them to help the issue, then that will mean you are both sinning together in watching others sin. It is going to make matters worse and you'll feel empty and more lousy about yourself in thinking that you need porn to boost your relationship. 

Masturbation is wrong. No matter how many times people including Christians will state it is okay, that is wrong. It drives you further away from the Lord. I remember growing up and my brothers freely talked about masturbation around me and my mother, when I was very young. They were truly perverse with talking about it.  My mom never told them or me that it was wrong, and I brought it up to her recently, and she said she should have told us. It causes you to want a quick fix instead of wanting to enjoy your future mate/current spouse. It causes you to think more about yourself than the person that you are to share your body with sexually in marriage. It drives you away from the true intimacy that marriage is supposed to have in pleasuring one another.

"Flee from sexual Immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.  Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." - 1 Corinthians 6:18-20

If you have a spouse with an addiction to pornography: I found a statistic that stated that 50% of Christian men admit that they have a porn problem, 20% women admitted to it.  A lot of marriages fail because of sexual sins. It might start out in pornography, but going to strip clubs, having sexual instances with other people, sex tourism and sex with prostitutes are a major big step that men make in marriage. It doesn't help that society makes it seem like it is not a big deal, it is everywhere in the media, and there are advertisements, music videos, and the fact that sin is just so heavy in the world - that it reaches out so easily to someone who has cravings for sexual needs to be fulfilled.

What you need to realize is that they have a disease, but this disease is curable. They need to be able to be around other men who can share their problems and help encourage one another. They need to first admit their fault to Jesus, and their need for healing, Then they need to secondly tell you and be willing to work on it. You need to listen to them, hear them out and why it was important to tell you.  If you caught them, hopefully they will be open to fixing the issues in your marriage.  It is going to be very hard to trust them again, and they need to be understanding of that. One thing I highly encourage for any boy or man who has pornography struggles is to have them destroy anything that causes you to sin. If you have certain movies that have not helped them in the issue, encourage them to throw it out. If they have magazines, encourage them to throw them out. If the internet is a problem, suggest that the get rid of their computer (as hard as that might be, it is necessary if you need to be healed and have your relationships be more important than your addictions and selfish desires).

"The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.  The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband.  In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.  Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.  Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." -1 Corinthians 7:3-5

If you have to take computers with you, game consoles, phones - anything that they can't be trusted to be alone with, they need to be willing to understand that in order for them to be healed and for your relationship to be worked on, they can't have those things. It is very hard for them to give up a lot of the freedoms they are used to, but it is for their and your benefit. If they are not willing to do that, I suggest sexual rehabilitation programs or/and Christian counseling (non-Christian ones might make excuses and might blame you for not giving enough sexually to your husband, but that is a lie. Even if you are being very sexual with them or not, it is their fault for giving into their temptations). You may even have to know how long it takes for them to get to and from work so that they don't stop anywhere on the way there and home. You're going to have to keep tabs on them, but it is worth it. It is always worth fighting to save your relationship with your spouse.

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him." -James 1:12

It might take years for them to get through their issues. If you start to trust them and give them some freedom, they need to be honest with you and say when they are tempted. If they sin, they also need to be honest with you. If they are lying, pray that the Holy Spirit will reveal it to you in some way or that they will feel guilty enough to share it. It is going to be very tough on them, but if they aren't willing to listen to God and change their habits, don't give up on prayer. Stick with your husband. Don't leave him. He needs you more than you realize. If you can't handle it, get people involved to help. It is for your marriage's sake. Again, counseling is helpful if needed, because it is a humble thing to admit to another where you went wrong.

"To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband; But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife." -1 Corinthians 7:10-11

Encourage your husband or boyfriend to share his problems and struggles with others. Confessing these things will help heal him. Encourage them to be devoted to prayer and to read their Bibles. They should hang around other Christian men, rather than non-Christian men, because the Christian brother will help them and will know when sin is truly sin, while the non-Christian men will make excuses and will lead them further astray.

"And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up.  If he has sinned, he will be forgiven.  Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.  Elijah was a man just like us.  He prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years." -James 5:15-17

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You are going to personally feel rejected, not good enough, ugly, and will look down on yourself for their sins. It isn't your fault. Although the hurt is going to be quite large, continue to pray and seek God. It is going to be what keeps you strong through your thoughts of neglect. They know they have hurt you. They know that they have made it tough for you. Hopefully they will cherish you enough to never allow the pain to grow. Forgive them. Love them. This is what Jesus wants us to do. 

"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." -Matthew 6:14-15