"But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." -Matthew 5:28
You've heard it said in movies, TV, and by many people. That "wonderful" phrase that excuses the lust of man which states, "I can look, but won't touch."
Why do people think this is something that is acceptable? (feel free to answer this question in a comment)
Society is raising up our children. The media is feeding messages into our youth that in time become a normal way of life. For instance, I remembering being only 14 years old (8th grade) when the film Titanic came out, but I hadn't even seen it up until a few years ago. Everyone knows about the nude drawing scene. It was brought up often when the film was in theatres. I remember my in-school boyfriend (more like a best friend that had a title than anything) had gone to see it with a couple of his guy friends. When they were talking about the movie in my presence, I said, "Your parents let you see that movie? Even though there is a nude scene?" Since I was only 14, I had just started to develop in body and felt very uncomfortable with my shape, since that is a critical time for a teenage girl and I was used to being mocked for being so behind in development. I remember looking at my boyfriend with my mouth open, curious as to what he thought of the scene. We had been together for about nine months at that point, and we held hands often, but that was pretty much the extent of our physical relationship. In seeing my face, one of his friends said to me later on, "he was really well behaved." and I said, "with what?" and he said, "with that scene in Titanic." and I went up to my boyfriend later on in the day and said, "what did you think of that scene in Titanic?", keep in mind I am a bit of a jealous girl who has always felt I deserved the eyes alone of the person I cared about and loved, which I did love him, even if I was only 14. He gave me the excuse. It was the first time I heard it ever said to me. "I was just watching, it isn't as if I could touch her or anything. I can look, but not touch." I didn't know how to respond to it. I just smiled and said, "Okay." I was a little hurt, but had felt like I had to hold it in. It had bothered me that he saw someone naked, and yet there I was hoping that I could marry him and have him see me naked on our wedding night, as God intended it, but he saw someone else. It made me feel less important to him, or at least that he had been tainted and maybe thirsted for more. I could only imagine how much he may have liked what he saw, especially in comparison to me. It belittled me. I don't know if most girls have felt as tortured as I had, but it was a big deal to me, and should be a big deal to the world.
Because the media makes it so acceptable, and because parents are allowing their children to be "okay" with seeing it so early in life, it is making it harder and harder for people to believe there is nothing wrong with it. I see young girls wearing very tight shirts that are low cut and to them, there is nothing wrong with it, because people can look all they want as long as they aren't going to get physical, granted even that isn't so much of a problem today either to society.
I lived in this idealism for too long that it was okay for guys to look at girls wearing hardly anything as long as they were not trying to hit on the girl. I remember seeing guys in high school dragging around all their Maxim magazines, looking through them rather than paying attention to their lessons. They would whistle when certain girls walked into the class dressed like they were 25, rather than 16. They'd tell the girls, "you're hot!" very openly, even if they had a girlfriend. I never saw anyone complain about it. When I started to date my husband while in high school, I remember seeing him check other girls out (not in school, but at shows we attended where bands played). It bothered me a lot, but some of the time I would let it slide because at least he wasn't going up to them and flirting. Other times I would tell him to stop or that I was bothered by it. I was probably annoying, but so was he in what he was doing. At the same time I remember right after I got married, I hung out with my dear friend Rachel (R-EO Innovator crew member) and two of our friends at a cafe. I wore a hippie designed handkerchief-looking halter shirt that showed all of my back other than the thin straps that tied at the back and all of my belly was exposed. I remember trying to look sexy and get the eyes of the guys, even though I wasn't interested in them at all and was certainly satisfied by my husband, I just figured they could look, but they weren't going to get anything. We were even dancing outside of the cafe, knowing guys were watching. Here I was promoting it, while I hated when my own man would have roving eyes. He was fine with the idea of guys checking me out, because he knew I wasn't going to be into them. This was wrong. This is also what society makes seem alright.
Men need to realize that in looking, sometimes they imagine touching (or other things). Sometimes they don't and just appreciate the form of the body and stare in amazement, but either way, looking does cause damage to their relationships and to themselves. It brings less focus on doing right in the Lord and more on a feel-good selfish desire. In being careful in what we wear, girls can help the men to not lust. In trying to not take a double-take or in looking away when something does come up for a guy where they could lust, they can do their part too and make their girlfriend or wife feel less insecure and more confident in their love for them. When you are looking, especially when you look in front of your spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, it is going to hurt them. It shouldn't be something to shrug off as just a part of life when really we're letting ourselves give into the lies of the world. Even if the guy was to say, "They have nothing compared to you," why even look? Why put the images into your brain?
Not only are you hurting each other, but you are certainly hurting God. We have placed our lusts for one another above our love for God or our searching for learning who God is. We've pushed God aside to satisfy ourselves and our pleasures. God has stated that these things are in fact EVIL. Therefore you can't look and can't touch equally.
Ezekiel 6:9 says "...How I have been grieved by their adulterous HEARTS, which have turned away from ME (God), and by their eyes, which have lusted after their idols. They will loathe themselves for the evil they have done and for their detestable practices."
ALL too true. Men are brought up believing so many lies about how to treat women, and I for one appologize.
ReplyDeletehey victoria, it's alyssa. i love reading your articles, i have thought the same things. i am scared raising my daughter in this world.
ReplyDeletebasically, this is my obvious answer: "you can look but touch touch" is a lie satan has told our society. And we desperately want to believe that lie! We want to believe that if were are not physically doing anything wrong, than it's not wrong. Oh how he fools us.
ReplyDeleteThis is why it's so important to always be in God's word and be constantly feeding ourselves the truth. The truth which is contradictory to anything the world will ever tell you. This is a good article Vic, but I just want to point out that it's not just men and I for one sometimes struggle as a woman. Looking and thinking for that brief moment and having to shake the idea away. It takes constant and persistent renewing of our (my) minds to get away from that trap of falling into sin.
Laura, I didn't leave it just for men. I know I wrote somewhere in there about women lusting too, but very briefly. Thanks for being able to share this with us.
ReplyDeleteLooking is a natural side effect of who we are. I as a woman regularly look at other men and appreciate the fact there is something gorgeous about them. It doesn't hurt my feelings when my husband looks at other women. I have even pointed particularly attractive women to him knowing he would think they are "hot". I know at the end of the day that he chose me and that I have to trust him the way he trusts me. There is no person capable of not looking at other people and thinking about that person as physically desirable or undesirable. The thing that confuses me the most is that the human body is beautiful and shouldn't be something to be ashamed of. Nudity is normal and sexuality is normal. I would prefer to teach men and women that the human body is personal and out of physical reach and that there are ways to live your life without focusing entirely on someone else as a purely sexual person. I don't ever think of someone as a purely sexual object and that helps me keep everythiing in perspective.
ReplyDeleteIn response to your comment Destrehan's Daughter:
ReplyDeleteSin is a natural side effect of who we are too, but that doesn't mean we should invite it in or live accepting it and giving into it. Instead we are to work against our sinful nature and work for the glory of God. This is what we were intended for, not giving into our fleshly desires.
You say it doesn't hurt your feelings when your husband looks at other women, but is he lusting after them or looking at them? The same question goes to you with looking at men. Even if you trust each other, do you want to allow each other to lust after others which clearly goes against the verse I opened this entry with? To me that is like winking at sin, and in Proverbs 16 You are allowing each other to go down a path that is not healthy for your marriage at all. It is God's plan that you enjoy one another ALONE, without eyes to be for anyone else!!
We shouldn't be ashamed of the body but that is something to be glorified in your marriage. Yes Adam and Eve were naked together without shame but then sin came in effect. Sin therefore has changed the whole process of how things were meant to be. Our eyes have been changed with how we do things and see things. You are encouraging each other to sin, and this is wrong. The human body is personal and should be enjoyed together in marriage. Looking at other bodies to me means you aren't satisfied with what you have that you need to look at others. Instead you can encourage each other to live healthy lives in how you eat or work out exercises. While you say you aren't thinking of someone as a sexual object, how do you know there isn't something going on within your husband's heart that is rough on him without him being open about it? You are opening up a door for him to go ahead and look, so therefore how do you know he isn't thinking things in his head about these women? how do you know he isn't going to porn since you give him the okay to look at women? How do you know he is going to other means of satisfaction rather than to you alone as it is meant to be??
Sincerely,
Victoria
Personally . . . I don't want to look at anyone other than my wife . . . anymore. I used to. I was raised by a culture that encouraged checking women out all the time. So I've always done it. I spent a lot of time looking at porn, up until a month and a week ago it was a pretty regular thing for me to do. Sometimes I'd see a girl on the internet and think things like, "man, if my wife had tits like that . . ." and other things along those lines. It's now disgusting to me. I'd even walk around at the mall and things like that and sneak looks and sometimes I'd even compare to random people I'd see in those situations. At this point I'm sick of the culture that encourages people to live like that. It's wrong.
ReplyDeleteI understand that not everyone you look at is done in a sexual way, that there are people that are genuinely attractive for reasons other than the size of their butt . . . but it's not God's plan that we'd continue to feel that way once we're married. We're actually not even supposed to feel that way BEFORE we're married, but I won't get in to that.
Ladies, if your husband looks at other women and says he's not lusting, he's lying. I don't care how much he says he loves only you, and that you won and all that. He's still lusting. Now that I've confessed my sexual addictions to my wife, it's become a constant battle for me. It actually hurts at times. Like if I'm at work and I catch myself looking at someone, I get ANGRY. Like I want to go hide in the back of the parts department so I don't need to see.
Anyway, I love my wife and God's shown me that ALL of my attentions need to be for her ONLY.
In response to some of the comments, there is indeed a difference between looking at someone and recognizing that they are attractive, and looking at someone with lust in your heart and perhaps visualizing them sexually and allowing your mind to wander into fantasies. Its not a sin to LOOK at someone, the sin happens when you entertain whatever lustful thoughts or feelings that might come into play while you are looking. And if you KNOW a certain look is going to cause lustful thoughts, you shouldn't keep looking, you should look away. Its a sin to know what you ought to do and not do it (James 4:17).
ReplyDeleteI have read your posts and thought about a big difference between our opinions. It seems that you base what you think is appropriate on your religious definition of a marriage in a Christian context. I do not come from the same background, so I doubt we will come to any concensus. I do want to add though that in my opinion it is not wrong to lust after other people outside of my marriage. I have a very strong marriage that has been through very difficult times and lasted nine years. My relationship has lasted a total of 14 on top of that, and I have been told by many people that my husband and I are a role model for how they would handle problems and resolve disagreements in their own relationships. Recognizing that I find other people sexually attractive and thinking of them has never been a problem in my marriage. My husband and I are honest about what we think and feel and when we married we made the commitment to not betray one another by having additional relationship, both emotional or physical. I think my definition of marriage just doesn't include lustful thoughts as a "relationship" and there it isn't a problem for me.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, this has been really fun to participate in. I have enjoyed stretching my mental muscles, and I hope I am not offending or hurting any one with my opinion on the subject. If so, let me know and I will drop out of commenting.
ReplyDeleteYou are right that we are basing our beliefs on biblical values and truths and so to compare them to worldly opinions would result in very different ideas. You haven't been at all offensive (in my opinion anyway) and we appreciate your participation in these posts and hope you will continue to read them. But it is our goal to have this be a biblically-based blog (say that five times fast!) so our entries are always going to center around the Word of God.
ReplyDeleteOh no, I really do appreciate the insight you share. I have seen far too many couples have problems (christian and non) because of lust issues. I don't think there is any excuse for it be it Christian or not because of all the damage done. I am glad to hear about how confident you are in your relationship. Good job. I am sure nothing I say will make you see differently, so I'll leave it at that. Thanks for reading and contributing a response!
ReplyDelete